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Written by Julian Grajewski
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Friday, 04 December 2009 |
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German Soldier In Kosovo (Photo: www.magazine-deutchland.de)
My son Janusz was drafted into the German Army or Bundeswehr, in 2007. To my wife's Elisabeth and I's surprise he took to it well. He left a message on the answering machine saying joyously that he had survived the first days of basic training exclaiming "I am Alive!" The discipline, cultivation of competence and camaraderie of army life proved to be what he needed. We were happy too, for he had given us years of grief as a wayward teenager, dropping out of several schools, getting arrested, smoking a lot of hashih, sleeping late till five or six in the afternoon, being generally rebellious and drifting aimlessly.
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Written by Julian Grajewski
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Saturday, 09 May 2009 |
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my project is to insult the entirety of humankind
Protestants Commit Suicide
Protestants commit suicide. Germans are the Americans of Europe. Austrians are the Germans of Europe. Germans will be on time for their funerals. Austrians will be early. Austrian "keep off the grass" signs are five paragraphs long. Austria 1945: Victim Nation? Stiff-brained Germans. Frau Koma kommt: Mrs. Koma comes. Thick-Willed Vogons. Resistance is useless! Rammstein! Keep it simple stupid. The Chinese are the Jews of Asia. I like Chinese; they only come up to your knees. Iranians are the Jews of the Muslim world. Niggers build churches. Jews are tight. Scots are tighter. Get knotted! A well is a well, a river is a river; if you cry you mack it bigger. Arabs are violent and incompetent. You look like terrorist. Terrorist chic. Somali pirate chic. Previously unknown terrorist group? Al Qaida is the figment of a Western intelligence agency's imagination. Hamas: Sharon's Children. 2008: Three Islamic "terrorists" are executed at dawn in an orange grove in Indonesia. It takes ten Christians to fool a Jew, but it takes ten Jews to fool a Greek. Jewish rye: if you eat it, you will dye. Jewish schmuck from Brooklyn! Why are Muslim men afraid of women? White men can't jump. South Koreans are the Irish of Asia. When the two Irish navvies saw a Catholic priest step into a brothel one of them stopped digging and exclaimed "Will you look at that Paddy, one of the girls must have died!" Poland is the Christ of Europe. A miss is as good as a mile. An ideology is defined as an arbitrary belief system. Structures of sin. Police agents: the history of the 20th Century will not be understood until police agents are outed, to include Hitler, Stalin and probably Mao. Global warming is a financial hoax. The sound of one hand slapping. No old, bold pilots. Wagnerian tribal relic. Post-coitus triste. Gumrak, last airfield held by the Nazi Sixth Army at Stalingrad. Every seven seconds a German soldier dies: Stalingrad Massacra! They shoot us like rabbits: complaint of a Flemish Nazi volunteer at the Eastern front. Croatian Ustashi. WW2 Nazi Sabotage in the U.S. The Salo Republic. Finito Benito! Next Hirohito! El Mongo. Custer's last stand was a lie: analysis of spent cartridges demonstrate that there was no final skirmish line. The 7th Cavalry Regiment panicked and every troop was slaughtered individually and alone. The squaws butchered the bodies to release their spirits. There was no Battle of the Alamo. The Texas slave owners surrendered to General Santana who was so disgusted by their poltroon behaviour that he ordered his soldiers to slit 180 throats. I don't want to pick up a rifle first thing in the morning! You can't get worse than the back of beyond. Suppose then that we construct the ideal city for riot and insurrection. What will it be like? $85 haircut on a 59 cent head. Verbal violence. Super-duper pooper-scooper. I am always looking for a future ex-wife. In 1968 an East Frisian stood on a dike waiting for the sex wave. Everything you thought happened in the Sixties happened in the Seventies.Not hippy. Fat hippies. In 1945 my German mother-in-law, Wera Appel, was playing bridge while Prague burned. James Rea, BüSo Party Organizer: Germans are always coming up to me saying that Hitler may have killed the Jews, but he was good for the economy. And what do you say to that? I ask them, can you eat weapons? It's a hard life and there are no shortcuts. Frisia non cantat. Go for the jugular. Star Dreck! Fuckin' redneck! Disgusting yuppies! Die Grünen: Austerity Mongers! Militant bicyclists. Polymorphous pervert.Turks have five o'clock shadows. Blood is thicker than water. I kill men for money, but you are my friend, so I kill you for nothing. Bathetic! FN Rifle. Societe Anonyme Belge pour le Commerce de Haupt-Congo, 1880. The fear of consequences is the beginning of reason. Put ball bearings in your medicine cabinet before every party. STRAC troop. Bar Nothing, Sir! The Forgotten Soldier by Guy Sajer. Panzer-Grenadier. In the film The Victors, everybody gets it in the neck. K-town. Advertised indiscriminate sex. The right of actors to fuck each other on stage. A pointless fuck? Let's have a meaningless relationship. Arabs make poor fighter pilots. The subject has an effusive personality. At night the lazy ones get busy. Private aircraft crash: the death of a rich man. The greatest capacity that human beings have is the capacity to deceive themselves. New Yorker understated stories. You are so AM. Rock N' Roll causes AIDS. Country and Western is elbow bending music. Laconic, understated men shoot-up heroin. Middlebrow! Ulysses and Finnegan's Wake were not written to be read; they were written to be taught by anemic academics. Alexandria, Virginia, home of The Rocket Docket. Praise as a kind of heroin. Jack London: crushed underfoot by the iron heel of destiny. Milan Kundera has an anal-anarchoid personality. John Wayne killed more American soldiers in Vietnam than did the Viet Cong. It's too late to make a mistake. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. You may not live to regret it. Israeli cult of competence. Trophy wives want tall, rich men with hair. Slavery = The Peculiar Institution = The Federal Reserve Bank = Debt Moratoria. The weak enslave themselves. In the rectitudinous life the accounts are fixed. Man as wolf to man. Steppenwülf. Necklacing. Stakhovite! Unreconstructed Southerners. Unreconstructed Nazis. North Kakalakia. Germany 1945: Year Zero. The Croquet Player by H.G. Wells. The Falange Rules. Republicans are stupid. Democrats are perverse. Things have to change so that they can remain the same. Science fiction writers are closet libertarians. The French look at the Germans as a cat looks at a dog. Reglament! Le Cafard. Afrique du Nord. Germans cleaning! Germans carry things to the nth degree. Germanophones have evil energy. Dekorier dich: Decorate yourself. Germans have a low tolerance for uncertainty and disorder. 1919: Wer hat uns zerraten? Sozial Democraten! Who has betrayed us? The Social Democrats. Right wing Italo-Americans. 1944: Roma: Citta Aperta. Europa 1945: Kaput, by Curzio Malaparte. Prison rumor: By 1994, Julio Iglesias had bedded 3000 women and was moving on to bed men.There is no second life. Chomo. C.I.A.: Disorienting the American citizen with disinformation. Warring police tribes. El Creepo. Be a lert. Spaniards are cruel and incompetent. People no longer tell Jonestown jokes because the punch line is too long. Racist Americans emigrated to Australia in the Sixties and Seventies. Serial killer chic. The English disease is homosexuality. The Taliban prefer boys. What did the gay man say upon doing fellatio? Cheesy! Find a better use for your anus. Homosexuality is nazi sex. Dizzy Dildo! An Italian lesbian and an Australian gay man got married. Upon breaking-up, the lesbian went back to Florence and the gay man went back to Sydney. Rich hippies. The German language is not hip. Take the money and run. Let's get with the program. That is horse and buggy thinking. Get a life! Don't have a cow! Let the dead bury their dead: Jesus C. Christ! Lush Bimbo. Retard. Crip. Dukaka. Jane Fonda spreads faster than radiation. Feminazis. Women's lip. A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. Carnival skank. Medieval slattern. Women and the strong, silent type. Men and the child-wife. Nietzsche is dead. Never mind. No matter: the sum of English Philosophy. Tin lizzie. Fighting for peace and fucking for virginity. The Army can fuck-up a wet dream. How to pick up girls in bars. What did the Chinese student say to Deng Xiaoping? Thanks, but no tanks! Puppet troops. The Little Red Book. The Aryan Brotherhood. Katrina Forever! Get on the stick. Lighten up! Lord of the Flies. The Protocols of the Elders of Zion was a Cheka hoax. , The Dead Kennedy's Rock Band. What did Ted Kennedy have that Jimmy Carter wanted? A dead brother. Motto of the Kennedy clan: don't get mad. get even. Shit for brains you. Jewish lightning. Jewish foreplay: Three hours of pleading. The Hasdicks. Israeli joke: bandits come and the deaf man said I hear them! The blind man said I see them! The man without legs said Let's run away! Dogs that want to pass for wolves must learn to sniff each other's noses instead of each other's anuses. The word "cynic" comes from the Greek root kynicos, literally, like a dog. Peasant Pessimism. Don't touch that you poisonous child! If you touch that telescope again, I will cut off your hand and mail it to your real parents. "I am that I am!" God's answer from the burning bush to Moses' questions. Israeli tank driver to Egyptian tank driver who rear-ended him: Whiplash! Whacked-out Blacks. Trashed-out Americans. The limitless consumption of trashy consumer goods. Environmentalist wackos. Kanaka! Kill or Be Killed: the Spirit of the Bayonet. Tyger, Tyger burning bright in the forests of the night. Fearful symmetry. Brutalism. Asiatic despotism. Italians make cowardly soldiers. Lean as a Spanish dog. Argentinians are arrogant. Cabecitas negras. Bloody Kaffirs! MATRA-MAGIC. La Legion Etrangere. A moi, la Legion! Deux giefs. The French and logic. Es logico, no? No Irish need apply. Germans are good at saying no. Daleks! Stalin: the Butcher of the Kulaks. Hitler: the Austrian Hippie. Truman. the Petite Bourgeois Asshole. John Fitzgerald Kennedy: the Premature Ejaculator. Debra Hanania-Freeman: Smart American Jewess. Cunt on the hoof. Quark! Quark! goes the quantum duck. How many divisions does the Pope have? Russians: Sicilians in the snow. When Hitler came to visit Auschwitz Eichmann exclaimed "If I had known you were coming, I would have baked a Kike. The black milk of the Holocaust poem by Paul Celan. Dies Irae. Lyndon Hermyle Larouche: Super-Annuated Nerd. Don't trust a politician who can't dance. Leftist organizers are always on. Libertarian Asshole. Foreign taxi drivers paid by the C.IA. Heard about the latest German microwave? Seats nine. Arbeit Macht Frei. Bielefeld doesn't exist. Stuka Pilot by Major Ernst Rudel. Serpentine! Even Obama has to cook with water. Kletter Turme (Climbing towers) do not exist. "I suspect I am about to become a God," quipped Emperor Tiberias on his death bed in 37 A.C.E. The Ugly American. Nicolas Chauvin, chauvinist, 1815. Pied noir. OAS. The USSR was a totalitarian state, but the USA is a totalitarian society. Power to Osama! One man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter. The Revolt of the Masses by Ortega y Gasset. Aggressive, anal-retentive Bavarian drivers. Honky! Cut the whitey music! White trash. Hymie. Canuks. Gooks. Slopes. Sorry about that. Chester the molester. The Horror! The Horror! A burst of six across the chest. When in doubt, throw a grenade. A mouse is a rat is a rabbitt is a cat is a baby: Motto of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Been there. Done that. It sucks. Latins say yes when they mean no. Literature for the semi-literate young: written of Kurt Vonnegut. John Updike and sex and divorce in Connecticut. One Californian to screw on a lightbulb, twenty to enjoy the experience. A little nukie (nuclear) is good for you. Nuke all unborn gay whales. Neoteny. Put a kink in his colon. North Europeans suffer from low libidos. Twilight of the Gods. Ragnarok. The further north you go in Europe the more people like pets and the less they like people. The further south you go in Europe the less they like pets and the more they like people. Mormons make good prison guards and prison administrators. Perfidious Albion. Londonistan. Medicated for your protection (written on a t-shirt). The M-1 Carbine.The film, A Walk In the Sun. The novel, Catch 22. Be happy in your work. There is always one more thing to do. Madness! Madness! Madness! Madness!
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